My roller coaster feelings you is driving me insane... why does your situation seem so bleak and love so black and white? I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living and It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.

I don't know what to feel or think anymore... I'm so confused. I'm so disappointed in myself... Why is everything so complicated?

i just wish i can change this fact forever.

These past few days has been horrible for me. I've never gotten so sick before... not being able to sleep... or eat... or even walk. I felt cold even with two blankets covering me. I really thought I was going to die. T_T but she said I am not THAT contagious but try to stay away from other people. So I've been taking four different medications everyday and I guess I am feeling better now. At least my fever isn't that high like before. but I have pounding headaches, upset stomach and I keep sweating for no reason. I couldn't even talk to people on the phone. I stayed home for 2 days straight :) I am proud... I wish I can stay home tomorrow and rest but I can't... I have to go get my state ID and create a bank account then go back to 5th avenue and give in my papers to hollister. :(

I need to recover fast. I need to become healthy again. I can't let my body do this to me... I have to change my sleeping habits & get at least 7+ hours of sleep a day. I start work soon... next week I believe.

Besides being sick, everything else is fine... but no matter what, in the back of my head... I always feel like something is missing. I feel incomplete. I feel scared... unable to figure out what it is.

I had a dream about my grandmother yesterday... where I was able to help her accomplish whatever she wanted... In the dream, I felt so proud. In reality, I haven't visit her in the nursing home for many months. I feel horrible. What happened to me? How can I let myself become such a careless person? I feel so selfish too. This whole year... I always did what was best for me... I had to have everything I wanted. What about others?

But there is really no point is writing this down. It's actions, not words that matter.

I keep getting distracted... by everything and everyone.
Why do I let myself fall into such position?

I don't need you to tell me things I already know.
Your opinion matters to me the most.
Your words does more harm to me than anyone else's... so please stop.

I'm begging you.

Do you mean what you tell me every night?
Because I REALLY DONT KNOW.